Duo Maxwell's Guide to Hair Care
by Summercloud
Summary: Duo expounds on the way of the braid.


Duo Maxwell's Guide to Hair Care  
or  
What Braids are Really Like  
  
A door slammed.  
  
"That woman is absolutely crazy! She's some sort of... of... psycho nut or something!   
I'm telling you, she's insane!" Duo was home.  
  
"What is it now, Maxwell?" Wufei's voice was calm, with a hint of amused   
exasperation.   
  
"Here, here, listen to this." Duo cleared his throat, holding a wrinkled paper in front of   
him with outstretched arms. " 'Write two to three pages on any personal characteristic or   
trait that is often misinterpreted by others. Include your own feelings as well as others'   
reactions.' What the hell does she want from me? I'm a terrorist, for crying out loud, not   
some sort of... of..." He trailed off, hands gesturing as he searched for a suitably   
derogative phrase.  
  
"Maxwell, you are one of the most unique people I know. Surely it can not be hard to   
write something about yourself."  
  
Duo peered suspiciously at Wufei. "Was that an insult or a compliment?" At Wufei's   
smug grin, he turned on his heel, throwing his arms up in the air. "You guys are   
absolutely no help at all."  
  
"How about--"   
  
"Don't even say it, Quatre. I don't think my English teacher really wants to know why   
killing dozens of people in my spare time is really a good thing, after all."  
  
"Hn. Baka." Heero got up and walked towards the door, giving Duo's braid a slight tug   
as he passed him. His smirk could be seen clearly as he exited, leaving a flabbergasted   
Duo behind.  
  
"That... that... Hey, Heero, thanks! You're a lifesaver, man!" Duo called after him,   
bouncing slightly, his braid swaying back and forth. He grinned at the puzzled looks   
from the three other pilots. "The braid, guys. It's all about the braid."  
  
Duo Maxwell  
March 21, 195  
  
The first thing people notice about me is my hair. No, really. I mean, it's not every day   
that you see a guy with a three foot braid. Maybe if I was a girl, they'd notice my odd   
black clothes, or the fact that my eyes look purple in the right light. But my braid is   
always the first thing to be noticed, and I can just see the gears turning in heads as all   
sorts of wrong and just plain ridiculous ideas start forming. So I'm going to take this   
opportunity to correct some of those awful misconceptions; I'll even write it in a neat list,   
for easy referencing. Don't expect any mincing of words, either: this is the plain, hard   
truth, like it or not.  
  
1) You can not hide knives in a braid. Or bombs, guns, pens, lock picks, or any other   
type of explosive device. You might be able to hide a bobby pin or two, provided you   
put it in the right place and don't move around too much. If you really want to hide your   
own personal arsenal in your hair, dreads are the way to go.  
  
2) Having sex with your hair down is a Very Bad Idea. It will get tangled, pulled,   
knotted, filthy, and covered in suspicious fluids-- not very sexy, if you ask me. The best   
thing to do with hair during sex is to tie it somewhere out of the way. Just take my word   
for it.  
  
3) Just taking off the hair tie will not cause a braid to unravel; depending on how long   
it's been since the last shower, getting hair out of its braid can be quite a chore. Also,   
snapping off the hair tie is Not Cool. Those things cost a lot of money!  
  
4) When properly cared for, brushing hair should not be an hours-long process. If you   
brush hair dry, it gets frizzy and full of static, not beautiful and smooth. The best choice   
is usually to braid hair immediately after brushing or combing.   
  
5) Conditioner isn't a luxury, it's an absolute necessity.  
  
6) Never brush hair when wet. Comb it with a large-toothed comb, then braid it while   
wet for maximum comfort and ease. When brushing dry hair, start at the bottom and   
work your way up. Although this may seem obvious, you'd be surprised at how many   
people are unable to grasp the simplest hair-care rules.  
  
7) Do not make Threatening Gestures at the hair. They will always be treated as serious   
threats, and appropriate measures will be taken.   
  
8) Clogged drains are inevitable with long hair. Hair in food, on the carpet, on the   
couch, and in corners is likewise unavoidable. On the plus side, dust tends to gather into   
neat little balls when long hair is around, making it much easier to clean up.  
  
9) Do not tug, pull, snatch, or otherwise abuse the braid. It's not funny, it's not   
endearing, it hurts. Using the braid as a leash is likewise unacceptable.  
  
10) I will not cut off my braid in a fit of anger, or because someone has said it's not cool.   
I will not symbolically remove it when my lover leaves me, or run to the haircutters when   
I'm in a bad mood. If I were that weak, I would have done so already.  
  
11) Hair takes a long time to grow-- I've been growing mine out for over ten years now.   
If cut off, hair will not grow back to the same length in a few months or even a few years.   
In fact, it's probably safe to say that it'll take the same amount of time to grow back as it   
originally did.   
  
12) Don't ask why I have a braid. If I want to, I'll tell you, and if I don't, then you don't   
deserve to know.   
  
13) Leaving long hair loose all day might be fun at first, but it quickly becomes hot,   
sticky, tangled, and makes the back of your neck itch. It also catches on things like   
zippers and velcro, gets wet at drinking fountains, and dirty when you sit on the floor.   
Braids are, overall, much more convenient.  
  
14) Having long hair does not make one look like a girl. Breasts and hips make a girl. I   
have no breasts, therefore I am not a girl. Simple, really.   
  
15) Having long hair doesn't make one homosexual, nor does it make one weak or in   
need of protection. Do I look like a stereotype to you?   
  
And lastly...  
  
16) Give the braid the respect that it's due. You insult my braid, you insult me.  
  
Author's Notes  
  
Darn Fanfiction.net won't let me keep all my nice formatting... ::grumbles::  
  
My hair is over three feet long, and I wear it in a braid. Just like Duo! So when I read   
all of the absolutely ridiculous things fanfic authors make him do, I get just a tad bit   
annoyed.   
  
This fic is dedicated to Sarah, for listening to me rant, and Susie, for having the courage   
to wear her hair down every day.   
  
Have long hair? Ever wear a braid? I'd love to hear your contributions! Send me an   
email at Summercloud45@nc.rr.com, or leave a comment-- if I like it, I'll add it to the   
next update. 


End file.
